39 years...

So 40 creeps up on me.  Mom was 58 when she lost her battle with cancer 12 years ago.  Step-father even younger.  Early 40's. 

Looking back at this life so far there have been so many good things and yet bad things that have happened.  I've seen joy,  felt what I thought was love,  and even experienced pain like all of us will in our lives.  What we do with these experiences define who we are.  Some bury the bad feelings turning them inward.  Others lash out screaming inside themselves Why? Some see them as a life moment that we learn from.

Who has this answer? A councilor?  Friend? Parent? Partner?  Not really. They can offer words,  warmth,  and ideas but inside ourselves we have to look for the answer.  There is no rhyme or reason of why.  Ultimately what has happened has. And what we do next is the choice we make.

We learn that a family member has passed away.  Husband or wife cheats.  Even we go to work to find out that they are downsizing.  What to do next? 

No one can tell us how to feel,  what to think,  or what to do.  Advise yes,  offer comfort also yes.  But ultimately the choice is our on on how to grieve,  how to deal with the anger or how to make a living. 

When my Step-father passed I was in high school.  I returned to school the next day trying to just ignore what my thoughts were.  It worked for a while but the anger and sadness caused me to lash out.  Only later did I share those feelings with my mom.  Did it make things better? In a way yet because I was able to get my feelings out.  She came to me and did for a while bit I needed my own time to go to her.  In a way I have tended to be that way even now.  I tell my own son now to feel free to talk to me if there is something bothering him.  I can't make him but I can remind hi.  That I'm there for him. 

I don't want him seeing that I'm ignoring him. Not caring.  Not feeling.  The days of the strong father are still here bit they have changed.  (on a side note his mother does have custody and I see him every other weekend and occasional days during the week.) I try to be there for him as often as I can and make sure that he is loved and is learning to be different.  Am I wrong in doing this? I'm far from perfect.

There are times I feel I've failed him.  Others that I'm doing the right thing.  But when he is his own man then what happens next is of his choosing.  The influence I've had and his mother had had will come out.  Will he thrive? Succeed? Or will he stumble and fall?  Wandering lost on his own journey.  I know what I hope and dream for.  I would like him to see that when you start something you finish it.  When life is hard that you won't give up.  When you see something that is beautiful you capture that moment.

Perhaps all those Beatles songs that my mother listened to has somewhat caused my outlook to be a bit askew.  All You Need Is Love,  Hey Jude, Blackbird and Let It Be.  To name some of my favorites. 
Of course let's be honest I share the same name as the Nowhere Man.